I sometimes wonder, if my upbringing taught me to be alone. My parents were never around, always off gallivanting around the world. My sister and I kept apart for the most part other then occasional lessons together. I wonder...because of never having someone close, do I now lack what it is to be able to be close to anyone? Even my sister wonders this, and has commented that she believes the fact that she rarely sees her bondmate makes being with him easier. We want to be loved... but have no idea how to love having never been shown how. It is easier to be alone. It is what I know.. I was finally shown love, but it confused me and scared me beyond my own comprehension and reasoning, so I pushed it away and ran from it. Not understanding why. I have so much compassion for others, people love to talk to me and tell me things and I love to listen to others and try to help, always I love to help others. But even now... I long to be close to someone.. anyone... but I dare not for fear of hurting someone else. Sometimes one has to stop fighting ones own nature, and I've grown tired of fighting mine. And in this I have found peace, I have learned to stay still and enjoy the solitude.. I still long to find someone I can be with... if that is even possible for me. But I fear pain I cause in my wake when I inevitably hurt the one I believe I cared for... not even sure I can call it love, since I am not honestly sure if that is possible for me.

Sometimes, someone can be so blind and lost the only thing that can be done is to let them go, and let them find their way. My best friend did that for me. Realized there was nothing they could do any longer and forced me to wander my path alone... like treading water until you learn to swim on your own... sometimes the thing you cling to must be taken away if you are to ever learn to swim on your own. I was so lost I couldn't even be lead. I had to wander in the wilderness of my own making.. alone. Stumbling, and falling many times. Until I was strong enough again to find, or forge the path that lead me back to who I wanted to be. Who I should have been. And I will try to never forget the lesson I learned along the way. I owe them more then a thank you. But the only thing I can honestly do is go forward, never forgetting what I have learned.

It has been a very slow process... but, I think I have found my center again. I find joy in the simple everyday things around me. I find I would rather lounge around then go out and hunt. I would prefer to be in the company of friends and stay there; no longer so worried about answering every call for enchantments or portals, I will still answer but I've finally learned that it is alright to say, "No." There will always be someone somewhere who needs help when I am ready to get back out in the world again. And the world will not fall apart if I say "Not right now." At one time I thought I would be considered selfish, or a bad enchanter if I said no. Now I understand what Riley always told me; "I have to take care of me, before I can take care of the world." And "I" no longer care about being constantly on the move. "I" am tired of that frantic feeling that felt like I was a clock wound too tight... It took a long time, but I am finally calm. Finally feel peaceful and happy with myself. Things would have been so much nicer if I had learned these things long ago. But, it is said, "Better late then never." And even I have to say... It's about time.

As time goes on I find myself curling up somewhere rather then out and moving... I believe that time in my life is finally done. Still occasionally find myself filled with sadness and regret over the past. But there is nothing I can do to change it. Thankfully most the time I am content to be alone, I am use to being on my own anyway so much of my life was spent alone growing up... and even when I came to Valorn I was so shy at one time it wasn't until I met my guild leader that I really started to make friends.... So I try and focus on checking on my children, those I taught in the profession of enchanting, I am very proud of those I have sponsored they are doing wonderfully.